2004-08-27 - 12:51 a.m.
It's a fear. I afraid to be slow with a man in a relationship because I am afraid he is going to not like me if we aren't committed. I need to find a way to conquer this fear.
I got my meds today. I relaized something too. Everyone thinks I am not over Brian because I live with my mother again and I'm not seeing anyone. When a relationship ends, one person jumps into another relationship and the other just takes his time to fix himself or heal. I am the latter. People think I'm not over him because I don't lay down next to another man. I don't really wanna lay down next to another man right now. I am happy laying in my bed alone at night, besides, I get the whole thing to myself then!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Erik is back. Erik was a trick from Pride 2003. Erik isn't a bad guy, I just don't how he is now, how he acts, thinks, etc. He too is on meds. Can two gay men on mood altering drugs be together happily? God help us when one of us forgets to take our meds. But I think we will understand the other better this way. He knows what it's like to have to take pills to keep you happy and I do too. I enjoy my little pills. I got them and took on right in front of Pharmicist today. He laughed at me. I was in the middle of Fred Meyer, people all around me, moments from killing someone and Pharmacist laughs at me. He was lucky I signed the paper and didn't stab him with the pen. :| Bastard. So anywho.
I had a little revelation today but nothing to write about. *giggles* I am doing better now that I have my little Effexor XR to see me through. *hugs his pill bottle*
I'm listening to country music. Weird, huh?
I know what I want in a man. I know how he should look. I know the man for me is out there no matter what someone says. Priscilla was right. I won't be happy. I never will. People say, oh yes you will. No, I won't. I won't let myself be happy. It's a me thing. I don't know. So, I am going to go because I can't seem to write, right now.
Duckie
