2004-08-30 - 4:50 p.m.
I drink too much. Yes thats right I am your typical homosexual that runs to a bottle to escape his pain that he may experience. But thats not my reason. Not all the time. I was talking to Jarod and he was just making me feel like I worthless and the most horrible person he has ever met. I know I'm a mean spiteful little fag but come on! I'm not really that bad. The c old dark spot where my heart should be, does send out the tiniest bits of love. Enough to keep me from being totally heartless.
I am finding myself in these days not caring. I'm not turned off, or dead inside. I just don't care. My heart has receeded into my chest, from it's regular spot on my sleeve, and now finds its self in a cold, dark spot. It's not a bad thing. Now that winter is fast approaching and it's time to wear jackets and pants and long sleeve shirts, it's natural that the impending darkness consumes my heart and sends it into a most lonely place.
Now, don't think that I am lonely. I'm not. I am very happy with myself and the things around me. This all just means that insults won't hurt me, drama won't phase me, life will go on and I will be more of a survivor than I have been already.
It stills amazes how some people think that they have such an insight into my mind, that they know so much about me, they are so in tune with my emotional state, that they can tell me what I am feeling. Jarod tried that last night. I made a statement about how I'm not going into this relationship with Erik with anything. I'm not putting stock into it, yet. He then preceeded to try to tell me different. He also tried telling me I am not over Brian when I know full well that I am. He said, why do you talk about him then if you are over? I wanted to ask, why do you talk about Andy or the guys in your shop, are you in love with them? I also talk about Priscilla and my mother, my sister and some of my friends, I'm not in love with them, am I??
It's hard to forget 2 1/2 years. Well, not that hard since George Bush did it to well! But anywho, enough stick. I learn from my past. I use it as a reference. I look back and remember that when you are roller blading and you stare a gorgeous guy, you will inevitably blade into a parked jeep! I also look back and remember day I spent with Brian, to cover the loneliness I feel. I get down and have moments where I don't want to be alone and simply because there was love there. There were feelings there, it makes me feel better. I don't want to go back to that. But it makes me feel better never the less.
I posted a personals ad on Yahoo! right after Jarod left for Oregon, when he and I "dated". We had agreed on an open relationship but I couldn't sleep with anyone until he got back. He accused me of trying to find a cheap trick. I rebutted with, when have you ever known me to just fuck someone?? Not saying I haven't but since California, my goals and priorities have changed. I am now more focused on what needs to be done. Not just playing around all day. Erik said it best, there is a certain level of difference in maturity between him and this 15 yo boy that wants to "date" hime. And I think there is a great level of difference of maturity between he and I. Maybe we will be the best together, maybe not. I don't know. I do know what I am looking for and I also know I will never find it. And thats not to depress anyone or bring anybody down, it's to say that I am being a realist, a negative realist, but a realist none the less.
Well, goodbye friends. More on this later.
Duckie
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